Let Us Pause for South Paws

Angelina Jolie is left handed. So was Leonardo DaVinci. George W. Bush is the first right handed president since Jimmy Carter (Bill Clinton, George Bush Senior, and Ronald Reagan were all lefties). Before Carter, Gerald Ford was also a south paw. So I’m in good company, one would think.

Left handed people compose 10 percent of the United States yet have no minority status; people claim we don’t need it. Watch me use a pair of scissors and say that.
The wrong handed among us have received a bad rap since Biblical days, literally. During the Last Supper, Judas sat at the left hand of Jesus. We politely say someone is “coming from left field” when we really mean they are nuts. Eating with the left hand is considered impolite in India. And with expressions like the left wing, left handed comments, and the far left. No wonder we are left behind.

For 90 percent of you, the spiral bound notebook is a writing tablet. For lefties, it is a paper wrestling partner, a source of amusement for others watching our writing contortions.

Ever try left handed golf? Sure, leftist golf clubs are available for us. They are made by Keebler Elves when they aren’t making cookies. The enchanted, unconforming golfing gear is then distributed to golf retail outlets across the land – usually one unit per store, at twice the cost of the “right” putters.

And do we really need to discuss scissors? Everyone knows never give a left handed person this deadly cutting instrument. For you they are scissors, for me it’s a hand held shredder. My first scissor encounter was when a right handed fourth grade teacher asked me to cut from a magazine a copy of the Declaration of Independence. I grasped scissors in left hand – steady, ready, aim, cut. The Declaration of Independence became confetti. My teacher accused me of being unpatriotic. I told her I was left handed. She said that was worse. For the rest of my 4th grade school year I was known as that left handed kid who hates America.

But the left may be made right. In a 2006 issue of the Journal of Neuropsychology, a publication frequently read by me and my South Alabama neighbors, there is hope. According to the magazine, left handed brains may be “better at processing multiple stimuli then right handed ones.” That means we make better jet fighter pilots then you do. I can’t toss a bowling ball or crank a can opener, but if needed, I’m airborne baby. Locked and loaded, and ready to launch cruise missiles. You want a piece of me rightie?

When you read this we will have selected our next United States president. At this writing, 48 hours before the election, I know not who won. But regardless the winner I will lobby for left handed rights. I stand a good chance too, because both Barack Obama and John McCain are southpaws. Whoever you are, Mr. Left Handed President, welcome to the White House. Check your scissors at the door.