Mooching

By Emmett Burnett

I’m not the first to tell you this: times are hard. A friend complained, “If the economy worsens, my wife must find a job, and if it doesn’t improve, I’ll look for one too.” Looking for work is a drastic step for most of my friends; so let’s review a survival skill I learned in college – mooching.

First, mooching is not stealing. Rather it is making the most out of something offered for free and opportunities are everywhere. In Gone With the Wind, Scarlet O’Hara proclaimed: “I’ll plant Tara, and never go hungry again.” Hunger would not be an issue if she had known about super center free samples. Let’s start there.
I won’t mention this place by name but it is a warehouse whose first name rhymes with Spam - actually you can buy spam there in 50 pound cans. On any given day employees serve bite size food portions for possible customers. The idea is to coax one into purchasing more of the nibbled items. That’s up to you. But here are three tips on how to make a meal of it:

One - take a baby with you. Ask for a sample for junior too. Employees never catch on that a toothless infant has no use for beef jerky embedded toothpicks. So his taste is yours.

Two - wearing a baseball cap? My research shows that lined with plastic wrap, a hat can hold about 23 pizza rolls. However most baseball caps are not liquid proof so avoid storing samples containing gravy.

Three - when the server offers a tray selection say “I have a discriminating palate, requiring more then one taste and may I see your wine list?” Working quickly, you can swallow about 12 cheese and crackers before the store manager and/or security arrives.

A second good moocher venue: weddings. Men attend other people’s weddings for one reason - to provide transportation for females attending the same wedding. So in my opinion when the reception buffet is rolled out, they owe us for sitting through an American Idol wannabe belt out Oh Promise Me.

Back when I married, “when the earth was void and without form,” our reception food was basically punch and a large can of Planter’s Nuts. Not anymore. Today’s brides are obligated to feed the world. It works to your advantage.

It’s all about logistics: Be near first in line while the Swedish meatballs are warm. But no matter what line position you have, let the bride and groom cut the wedding cake first, not you. It is very tempting to slice a section while the ceremony is in progress, but will be really awkward if you do. Wait your turn. Tradition says the bride must take a slice of wedding cake and shove it in the groom’s face. Women find this hilarious so don’t fight it. Food service begins when the giggle fest ends.

Now we move to the advanced mooching of double dipping. First time through the reception line, say “I’m a friend of the groom,” second time, proclaim “I’m a friend of the bride.” Technically it’s honest, as you probably like them both– allowing seconds on chicken wings.

Another great opportunity, though seasonal, is Halloween. But the trick for treats is don’t take your kids Halloweening in your neighborhood. Those folks are as broke as you are. Try perusing wealthy areas because the rich give great goodies. Haven’t confirmed this yet but I am told that on Halloween, Gulf Shores, Ono Island residents hand out pork chops.

Other quick tips:

Wear old clothes and do not shave for three days. I tried this and a homeless man bought me a cup of coffee. Actually free coffee is easy. Never leave a funeral wake without sampling the fine mortuary break room brew. Nothing beats comforting the bereaved over a cup of steaming Joe – which the bereaved paid for. Funeral home coffee is served in urns. Be sure you dip from the correct urn.

This just scratches the surface of mooching opportunities. I’ll have more ideas in future columns so keep reading this paper but don’t just read it, patronize the advertisers.

Anything less is mooching.