Hurricanes and the Sky is Falling

By Emmett Burnett

Bring in the dogs and boil the water, hurricane season is upon us.

Every summer, experts advise us to stock up on emergency supplies in case we are hit by ‘the big one.’ We are asked to obtain non perishable foods - Vienna sausages, pop tarts, and pork rinds – in other words: my diet.

In the event of power outages, they say to eliminate waste and spoilage, empty our refrigerators as much as possible. As a freelance writer, having an empty refrigerator has never been a problem. But for others this is an ordeal. In fact part of the problem with hurricanes is the hysteria preparing for it and the news coverage that follows.

The instant a tropical wave forms over the African Coast, local TV weather forecasters seize the airwaves. With microphone in one hand, hairspray in the other we are bombarded with worse case scenarios. When the storm hits live news feeds blare with trench coated, soaked to the bone reporters proclaiming: Hurricanes spawn rain. “Dave it’s really raining hard here,” one meteorologist stated, “very bad outside”. So why are you standing outside? You just spent two weeks telling the rest of us not to.

Of course critical emergency information is vital. But you can get it in three minutes from a NOAA weather radio. The worse hurricane I experienced was 1979’s Fredrick. There were no outside communications, didn’t need any. I knew it was bad when my cat flew away. So I question some emergency preparedness advice and responses such as these:

1.Fill y our bathtubs with drinking water. Does anyone really drink from a vessel that naked bodies sat in? I’ll stay thirsty.

2.“Stay off of the Causeway; it will flood.” Ya’ think? Next time you are on the Causeway try this: Take a gallon of Kool-Aid, pour it over the seawall. The Causeway will flood.

3.“This hurricane wants to take the same path as Katrina.” Hurricanes don’t want to do anything. They can’t think. They are a force of hot air, much like congress.

4.On-site news reporter interviewing a victim: Ma’am was the storm that ravaged your trailer park really that bad? “Yes, that’s why I’m spending my moment on television in hair curlers, moo moo dress, and no teeth.”

5.“The storm will get worse before it gets better.” Can’t one say the same for life itself?

6.“When the storm strikes, emergency news services will be there 24/7 on every TV channel.” My cable provider goes down when it’s partly cloudy, can’t wait to watch them during a category 3.

As I write this we are under the torrential rain of Hurricane Gustav. As the storm strikes Louisiana, Alabama TV stations are scanning our area searching for a broken branch, torn awning, shattered window, anything to justify the cost of Doppler radar.

Today there are five other “areas of concern” in the Tropics and the Atlantic. Here’s hoping you find shelter in the storm. And don’t forget your cat.