Olympic Reflections

(From Previously Published Newspaper Column, "So There", by Emmett Burnett)

The 2008 Olympics have peaked and all eyes are on swimming sensation, Michael Phelps – not for winning medals but for what he eats – which is about everything but his medals. This guy became a star when the world discovered he consumes 12 thousand calories a day. Big Deal, I’ve done that at Pizza Hut, where’s my medal?

That’s a personal observation. My Olympian expertise is somewhat limited. The closest I’ve come to bringing home gold is a wisdom tooth filling. But the beauty of writing a column far away from Beijing is that Olympian journalists in the Far East don’t read reviews from the Deep South. Therefore, with no chance of rebuttals, I can report the summer games too. So here is what I saw at the Olympics – or How I Spent My Summer Vacation - from an easy chair tuned to NBC.

First, the setting: The Olympics set the national bar for goodwill fellowship through international competition. So who better to host the games then China, a country where human rights violations outnumber rickshaws. China? Goodwill? Good grief! This is the regime:

- That rerouted precious water from drought stricken farmlands to supply ornamental Olympic Village fountains.

- That monitors and limits internet access to citizens goggling controversially offensive words like ‘freedom.’

- Whose people eat egg rolls on The 4th of July.

Given the Olympic Committee’s options, China was probably the right decision. Summers are just too hot for their other goodwill choice, Iran. And speaking of the Committee, which one of you guys made the trampoline an Olympic event?

I can’t swim like Michael Phelps, leap like Michael Jordon, or dance like Michael Jackson (the last one, I’m glad), but anyone can jump on a trampoline. In fact it’s just about impossible not to. I fell on a trampoline once, bounced 6 times before I could get off. The real challenge to ‘trampolining’ is assembly. As anyone who ever spent hours attaching 850 little springs to stretched fabric, that’s the Olympic event, not jumping.

And there are the equestrian sports. They fly a horse across the world to prance, romp, stomp, and stride before judges. After the noble steed hoofs it front of discerning eyes, a medal is awarded – to whoever is on its back. The horse wins a handful of Cheerios. I think human rights should extend to horses.

But the grand prize of head scratching Olympia goes to the winter sport of ‘curling.’ They don’t do curling in the summer games and few understand it during winter either. Basically, team members hurl stones down an icy floor while fellow players brush the path with brooms. It is a combination of ice hockey and good housekeeping. Apparently the sport of whiskbrooms on ice dates back to 15th century Scotland. I still don’t get bagpipes, don’t expect to accept curling.

Be that as it may, at this printing, the Olympics were a success. The torch will
dim, lap pools drained, and horses will board airplanes for home. For my part, I’m going to Pizza Hut. This is all you can eat buffet day, an opportunity to gobble 12 thousand calories.

Michael Phelps would be proud.